Hey guys ! Sorry I've been gone a while, life has been a bit crazy (but beautiful) however I'm back and hope to be as consistent as I can. So when I started this blog I vowed that I would be real , authentic and vulnerable with you guys and believe me that is not easy but in a world full of pretense and 'fronting' it can be a saving grace. So this post will be just that..me being real and open with you guys. So anyone who knows me, knows that I am zealous, fiery or as some like to put it 'hard-headed'. I'd say this is one of my biggest strengths - If I believe in something, then I'm all in, if I see something that I want then I will exercise sickening work ethic to get it, In most cases I'm driven by what I believe (my convictions). But as with most great strengths it can also be a double edged sward, with just as prominent weaknesses...
When you're someone who is passionate and aims to be driven by convictions rather than just seeing where the wind takes you, I've found that it often means that I commit to things without fully exploring my thoughts on the issue, without giving myself the benefit of time to bring to light the very complex workings of my mind and the sometimes very gentle whispers of my soul. I then find myself in situations where I've bound myself by my words or deeds to uphold a certain conviction or belief without really allowing time to reveal where my head, my heart and my spirit are really at, to assess weather I'm actually fully committed to that which I say I am... Weather it's 'Alcohol is literally poison to you're body - I never want to touch it again' and then realising that I actually really do love the occasional glass of prosecco or red wine or weather its my on going journey of self love and self acceptance... Now this is a funny one; I believe I have come a really long way in this area, there was a point where I literally could not stand to look at my face in the mirror because my skin (in my eyes) was horrible and wouldn't dream of going to an event without makeup on because I had to 'look my best' as if my natural form wasn't Gods absolute masterpiece. I now love my skin, even when its breaking out or is really dry because of the summer heat and I can now walk confidently into in a room with my bare face knowing that I am beautiful and don't have to compare myself to anyone. God truly began to transform my heart and show me that even without makeup I AM ENOUGH. So for those of you who are loyal (real mvp's) you may have read my blog post on 'why I'm giving up makeup' and this decision did genuinely come from a transformation which first began in my heart but what I realised was that it's okay to be in a process, It's okay to not be there yet and to be 100% real with you, I am not there yet. There are still days where I wake up and feel like wearing makeup and beautiful dresses I see whilst I'm shopping which make me think 'that would bang with a red lip' so I'm sort of faced with this battle of 'I've committed to doing this because of x belief and 'But I still want to do x'. So whats the answer? Give yourself time, it's okay to be in a process. Its okay for a work to have stated in your heart but to not yet be complete, Its okay to decide that you don't like the idea of animals being killed for us to eat but still be transitioning to vegetarianism, It's okay to realise that your body is a temple and your health matters but still struggle to get up to go to the gym sometimes, It's okay to realise that you want a better relationship with God but still be in the process of letting that show on the outside. It's okay to not be there yet, you will get there so don't be so hard on yourself. Work on the inside and everything you desire to be manifest on the outside will come. All my love Mayfair x
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Questioning my convictions. Lost in this circle of why do I believe what I believe? who am I and who do I wanna be? I'm questioning my convictions. Nowhere feels like home anymore, are our souls in a constant state of limbo settling only for a while to breath, to listen? I'm questioning my convictions. Are my thoughts really my own thoughts? are my conclusions really my conclusions? or am I trapped in a state of thinking adopted from this ideological state apparatus? Questioning my convictions Are mistakes ever really mistakes, if all we know how to do is assess that which is within us and act accordingly? But what is that which is within us? what is that which is holding us, driving us, in a sense controlling us? What are my convictions? Am I dreaming? if I'm dreaming, am I sleeping? If I'm sleeping, am I seeing? if I'm not seeing then I am just being, no not being but being controlled by someone else's convictions. Which begs the question what then are my own convictions? Do I have any convictions at all because you see the every act of questioning a conviction is a contradiction, you cannot question that which is seemingly unshakable, seemly unquestionable To question your own convictions is a contradiction. So, if I have no conviction, I must be driven by addiction, the man that is driven by addiction requires no existing convictions, he requires no existing convictions because his actions are not the product of his thinking but his addiction. So, what then is the source of our addictions, what then is the source of this enslavement we find ourselves under and where then are our convictions Where is our freedom? Where is our freedom? Oh, I need my freedom. The irony in a word that that suggests bondage but really means freedom. Freedom to be led by what I believe, what I believe and nothing else. To be guided by my conviction 's Freedom, There is freedom in our convictions, yet I still find myself questioning these convictions Questioning my convictions. So guys that was a poem I wrote a while back, during a time where i was really evaluating life, my actions, the place they come from and the things I believe.
I hope that as you read this you get a little insight int my mind and the very internal questions I was asking myself and that perhaps it stirs some questions within yourself. Life is about adaptation, never be afraid to question the person you are and the person you are becoming and to ruthlessly edit it. All my love Mayfair x |
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