It's 3am, my soul seems a little louder now that the world is quieter and so I thought I’d welcome you into my 3am mind. My unapologetic, unfiltered, unadulterated 3am mind, the one that’s unaware of the skeptics and the social constructs, the 'think like this' and the 'act like that’s'
So, I was thinking, what really is the thing that shapes who we are and what we do? Is it our beliefs/our convictions/our faith? or is it our desires/our craving/ our longings ? Or maybe it’s a combination of them… I'm not really sure and at 3am I don’t think my mind could construct nor could my fingers type a meaningful and a conclusive answer. But, this question did make me wonder what the implications of each of these were, what does, what I base my actions on say about who I really am, what my truth really is? Say, who I was and what I did (I’ll use the two concepts synonymously for the sake of this piece) were shaped by something as seemingly unshakable as a belief. Doesn’t this imply naturally that there must be some consistency in the decisions I made yesterday and those I’ll make tomorrow? If I’m guided by my beliefs, which by their nature are consistent, then surely my actions too must reflect such a consistency. But, if this is the case then what happens when we make 'mistakes', when we do things that are out of character? (which we all inevitably do) Things like lying to those we love when we believe that honesty is the purest form of compassion, things like drinking too much when we believe that anything in excess is bad, things like cheating on a test when we believe that integrity is shown in the big acts and the small. Does this mean that in those moment we were acting based on something other than our beliefs and if then, what does this say about the weight of these beliefs in the first place? If I can so easily act in a way that does not reflect what I hold so dearly, does that thing worth holding so dearly in the first place? Did it ever mean anything to me or was it something I told myself I believed at a time that it was convenient to tell myself such? are there beliefs helpful to have or do they just subject us to a self-imposed feeling of failiure when we act against them ? Or Maybe I accept that my actions are nothing more than reflections of my desires at a given time?That they are simply reflections of the current me which doesn’t quite have it all figured but knows what she wants or at least what she thinks she wants and so acts upon this. A few months ago, I would have probably said that this is an unfulfilling way to live, I would have said that desires change far too often for us to base any sort of important decisions on, after all doesn’t what we want and what we need (long term) conflict far too often? Now though ?...I’m not so sure. Maybe it’s the happiest people in life who don’t agonise about what the ‘right’ thing to do is (after all who decides what 'right' is anyway), The ones who don’t stress about future regrets of decisions they haven’t even made yet, maybe it’s the ones who simply remember to ask themselves ‘what do I want in this moment ?' and honour that, that are the happiest. Maybe this approach is a little selfish but at 19, I’m not so sure it’s such a bad thing to be a little selfish, to make a few choices that carried no deeper meaning to them but were simply reflections of what i wanted in a particular moment... The 3am her. All my love Mayfair x
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